STORIES

Viktoria Faust

IT'S HARD TO BE A VAMPIRE
Translated by Karmela Hromin

Once upon a midnight dreary…

Well, alright. The night wasn’t that dreary, and while we’re at it, it wasn’t a night either, it was dusk. That time when the darkness hasn’t taken over the city completely yet, when grey premonitions of a set sun drag across the sky.

He came out of a driveway and, staggering drunkenly , collided with Sandra who fell flat (though there was nothing “flat” about her) on her face on the sidewalk.

- Hey! Watch where you’re going!- he growled- Fatso!-

His long black coat billowed behind him as he walked away, followed only by Sandra’s frightened gaze. And then he suddenly disappeared. Sandra choked, not believing her own eyes. She thought she saw him turn into a cloud of fog.

Of course, it could have been an optical illusion.

She got off the pavement, breathing heavily. Those 40 extra pounds were beginning to cause her more and more problems. In situations like this she felt like a turtle on it’s back.

She straightened her long black dress, soiled with snow and mud.

- Jerk - she muttered, but turned around just in case, to check if anyone had heard her. There was no one around.

Something similar happened maybe a week later. What happened was this: she was in a hurry, dragging behind her that unfortunate dog of her father’s new wife, and the dog had decided he didn’t care for a walk, so she simply had to schlepp him while he persistently resisted with all four.

- Are you blind?! – the stranger yelled when she backed into him, after which he tottered like she hit him in the forehead with a hammer.

- Why don’t you stay at home if you can’t walk down the street like normal people?

- Hey, there’s no need to be so rude ! It wasn’t my fault !- she shouted, but the stranger just made a face and waved his hand, before he briskly walked away. This time she got a better look at him. Worst of all, she decided that, no matter how unpleasant and coarse the guy was, he was also darn handsome. Tall and slim, with shoulder length curly black hair and a pretty face, although a bit pale, and the street light left an impression that his skin was glistening in a peculiar and unnatural way.

In any case, Sandra concluded that the stranger appealed to her. His sudden presence in her neighbourhood should be thoroughly investigated.

The following evening she was sitting on the steps when he walked by, again at the same time and in the same direction.

- Hey, do you live here or what ?- she shouted after him. He didn’t even look at her. Sandra reached into a bag of gummy candies and stuffed several more bears, lizards and strawberry-lemon-menthol flavoured snakes in her mouth. Alright , she thought. Just show off, why don’t you. I don’t give up that easily.

Evening after that she was waiting for him at the corner where, more than a week ago, she saw him turn into a cloud of fog. This time she was close enough to realise her eyes hadn’t deceived her the first time. The young man had indeed reached the crossing, stopped, looked left and right to see if he was being watched (Sandra was hidden in a large, I stress - large, bush in the garden of the first house on the intersection) , and then his entire body turned first into a foggy vision of himself, and then the vision dissolved into rays of coloured fog that finally turned grey and disappeared in a swirl towards the sky and the city.

Sandra wasn’t stupid. She knew what was going on. She had read about these things. Admittedly, up until now she didn’t believe something like that really existed, but you live and learn.

The following evening she waited for him at the same place and at the same time. This time when he started turning into a foggy cloud she jumped out of the bush she was hiding in and victoriously yelled:

- Ha! I’ve got you now!

That caused a strange phenomenon. His body continued turning into fog, only his eyes, two black marbles, kept staring at her, shocked, so when his transformation ended, there was this strange cloud in front of Sandra, that stared at her with two transfixed eyes. Then a whirl of air caught the cloud and both the cloud and the eyes disappeared in the direction of the city.

The following night he was waiting for her.

- Alright, now you know, what are you going to do ?- he said, leaning on the steps. Sandra was standing at the top of the staircase thinking whether it was smart to come down and walk beside him. Her courage was slowly disappearing.

- I can do what I please- she said, thinking: that’s for calling me “fatso”.

- But you won’t do “what you please”- he said imitating her voice - because you would have done it already if you wanted to.

- Maybe - she said, and moved toward him. She felt an unusual, unnatural cold coming from him. He watched her with his fixed dark eyes, giving her the creeps. She knew well she couldn’t hide her emotions from him.

You want something. Now tell me what it is.-

She descended to the middle of the staircase and stood there, biting her lip.

He was getting more and more impatient.

- Come on, come on, I can’t stand here all night waiting for you to make up your mind. Spill it! –

- Well – she stammered - I’ve read about your kind.

- So what? So have thousands of others, millions of others.

- I didn’t know it was real.

- Oh, spare me ! Nobody believes in vampires today, right?

- I do. Now.

- So? Listen, hurry up, I can feel my stomach rumbling. And when my stomach starts rumbling I get nasty.

- I know - she said - You know.....- she stopped again, wringing her hands – I’ve made a decision.

He twisted his eyebrows as if he wanted to turn them into two question marks.

- What decision?

- I want to become what you are. Life doesn’t make sense anyway.

First he stopped like he couldn’t believe what she said and then he started laughing uproariously.

- You want me to turn you into a vampire? Ha ha ha! Imagine yourself as a bat! Puff, pant, pant, pant, puff! – he started flapping his arms, imitating a larger specimen of the species. – I wouldn’t be a bat, it’d be a freaking eagle!

She was deeply offended.

- I can lose weight! – she exclaimed unhappily.

- Yeah ! Right! - he said as he walked away.

- If I lose weight will you think about it? - she shouted after him.

- If you lose weight - he said in a tone that implied he thought it to be as probable as the idea he’d have a place at Heaven’s table after death, and then turned into a fog cloud and disappeared.

- Alright. We’ll see about that – said the girl decisively, although her eyes filled with tears and her voice quivered.

She spent the next 2-3 months in gyms, saunas, massages , trying out different diets and dietary supplements. Strangely enough, the fat melted with greatest ease.

She had a goal and her desire was so strong , that her need for sweets, candies, salami and roast was a trifle. It disappeared more and more with each day.

Her father got worried when his wife said she thought Sandra was anorexic.

- Get off my back! Anorexia, right! I’ve decided to become a quality human being, and not a fat bat, I mean pig!

And I’ve decided to become a good looking vampire, she thought, but, naturally, couldn’t say it.

Four months later she saw him again. During those four months she carefully avoided going out at night so she could finally surprise him with her new look. She was sitting on the steps, like earlier, and he glanced at her, but didn’t recognise her.

- Hey, remember me? - she shouted. He turned around and frowned, confused. She got up and started flapping her arms.

- Puff, pant, pant, pant, puff! - she said. He smiled, remembering.

- Would you look at that ! You’ve made it.

- So? How do you like me now? - She was wearing a black mini dress with a big cleavage that accentuated her lovely breasts. A fake fur coat was casually slung over her shoulder.

- You know, I’ve been thinking about finding a worthy companion for a while now.

- And?

- And it could be you. Come on - he motioned. She smiled and quickly came up to him, feeling light as a feather.

- Do you really want to go through all that? – he asked.

- Of course! Do you think I’d do this for anyone?

- No, of course not - he answered placidly.

- Where are we going?

- First I want to show you what you’re in for so you can see if you’re up to it. OK?

- OK- she said, thinking it was more than fair.

He found a bum, bit him ,and started draining him. They were in a blind alley and nobody could see them. Sandra stared at him and his victim.

- Think you can do it? - he asked, letting go of the bum’s dead body.

- No problem - she answered. – Look, vampires don’t gain weight, right ?

- I mean, I won’t have to stay on a diet...?

He laughed loudly.

- No, you won’t have to stay on a diet. And you can drink all the blood you want. A vampire stays in the shape he dies in, and never changes.

- Great! - she cried. She was sick of diets.

He leaned and gently kissed her neck.

- Listen, I don’t even know your name. –

- Alfonso – he murmured, nibbling the skin of her neck.

- Hi, Alfonso, I’m Sandra - she said, and he sunk his teeth in.

Suddenly he let out a frightening scream and started disintegrating in her hands.

- Alfonso! What’s happening?! - Sandra screamed and moved away. Now she could see a stake in his chest, and blood was gushing all over the dirty sidewalk, her pretty dress, her cleavage and fake fur coat.

- Alfonso! -

He turned into dust.

Two gentlemen stood behind him in black suits. One of them was holding a spare stake as if he was afraid the vampire might recompose himself from the dust and rise again.

- Fraulein, are you alright? - an elderly gentleman with grey hair asked.

- Oh, God, God what’s happening?! - Sandra screamed.

- It is alright, Fraulein. We, fampire hunters, find und kill evil Dracula ! You are saved!

- Alfonso! Alfonso! This can’t be happening!-

- Fraulein...- the elderly gentleman tried to calm her down - Do not worry, Fraulein. See? No more scar. Gone, like evil Dracula
Aaaagghhh! Get your hands off me, you old pervert! - she screamed and pushed him away when he touched her neck to show her the scars from Alfonso’s bite disappeared from it.

- Fraulein? - the fampire hunter exclaimed, astonished, and she turned around and started running. As far away as possible.

She ran until she came to a cafe that was open late. She entered, sat at one of the tables and started bitterly crying.

- Love problems?- the waitress asked. Sandra only sniffed and nodded. She was aware she was covered in blood, but decided that, if anyone asked her, she’d say she was having problems with a heavy period.

- Chocolate solves everything - the waitress said empathetically.

Sandra sniffled and looked at her through the veil of tear-stained mascara.

It suddenly seemed like an exceptionally good idea.

- Start bringing it - she said. When I finish the first plate I want a new one and keep it coming until I tell you to stop.

- Deal - said the waitress.

And so that night Sandra ate an entire chocolate cake with walnuts, almonds and whipped cream. After that she was so sick she thought she’d puke her guts out, but then she ate two pounds of strawberry ice cream and felt better right away.

What later happened to her was tragic. We can say with great certainty that she never met a vampire again. Which was fine, since she didn’t have the strength to go through it again. Besides ,she had decided that all men were the same, and that every one of them, vampire or not, would let her down in the end. And so she decided to remain true to her first and only love: a full fridge. The fridge never let her down. And so they lived happily ever after, until Sandra ate some salami that had been in the corner of the fridge for a long time, and that had gone bad. When she became ill she was already too fat to crawl to the phone and call an ambulance, so she died, choking on her own vomit.

End of story.