STORIES

Bojan Meserko

I'm on a certain planet. I know nothing about it; at least, that's what I think. I don't have to be there, although, I don't plan of leaving it; yet, I might even do so, I don't know. I could name it after whatever crosses, my mind, Earth, perhaps, or just plain, Grixsyawoq 1W30. But, I don't intend to do so. I don't have such desire. I find it awful, sticking somebody or something with a name or a nickname. My name is Bogdan(Godsend). That's the name I have been given. I would give myself a different one, Peter, John, or highly complicated B(G). It's too late now, for any decisions. Perhaps it's better so. By the time I've left the Earth, I wasn't so possessed about the names and titlings. I suppose, that happened to me somewhere along the journey; you keep switching all those gears and buttons, all sorts of lights flashing around you, certain period of time, you overcame in a frozen state, without even slightest suspicion about some sort of frantic thoughts. In your sleep you outlive a generation or even two, just voyaging through the space... some past intermingling with current time... saneness of return is dubious, doubtful even... Dreadful. I might have just because of this... No, I'm not insane! Perhaps it would be better for me, to return. Would that be fair? Is this feasible? Maybe, the being could feel; at the beginning I named the being, the creature but with the time, I came to an conclusion that, "being" suits it better. Would it try to stop me? -No! I didn't give it a name, since that would be injustice, maybe it already has one, it's own and the only right one. Yet, I have the right, some where deep inside me, where it couldn't guess, name it even as Bogdanozaver (Godsendiosaurius); the reason is simple: it reminds me very much of an pre- historical Earthly creature, whose name I can't remember, and has the same ending. It is very big, though. Being. It's huge - greatest of all. Ho, ho, ho, ho, I haven't noticed it, even after many years of my landing there, since I was more attracted to the vegetation, which isn't anything special. I didn't realise that until now. It might be because of the fact that I, during my first days of exploring, didn't notice even slightest movement of shadow, not to mention some sort of being, with whom I could make a contact. All plants are high stems, growing in a perfect order, so all of the visible surrounding seemed some kind of a huge, tidy garden which was cared with much love and precision. I was convinced, in fact I only believed in, that somebody nurtures it, cut it cares for it, cultivates it and observes it. Indeed, I believed, someone is got to be. Mistake. Although, not that big; the fact is, I don' t feel sorrow or any regret. There are some minor seas, few salt lakes perhaps, on the planet and inside which I also couldn't find any living beings. I managed just enough courage, to take a bath in the sea, let it remain the sea, since I got used to it. Whenever I decided to make a trip or a swim I left the outer camera on the vessel running, hoping, just in case that it would spot some kind of a movement, perhaps; it meant something to me through first few days, when I still believed in existence of some two, three or several - feet beings, but as the years passed have this preparations became only a ceremony, before departing for excursion. I was left only with vegetation, I've visited shores and pretended to be biologist, and at the same time, my head was full of all sorts of thoughts. Sometimes I was surprised finding out that I talk, with myself; I keep on doing this and I don't find it annoying. I might even say, it's useful. It helps getting over dullness. I can hear a human voice, which might bemine, maybe not, maybe that's the voice somewhere, inside me, and I actually didn't say a word loudly for years, perhaps it is so, perhaps not, the devil knows. And yet, I don't want anybody to talk with, not even a woman, only, not to forget and simply avoiding my tongue becoming stunted; in case I'd miss people, I could return to the Earth ages ago. Each time, whenever I returned to the main ship, I checked the pictures taken. I could never find any signs of something registered, some movement perhaps, except for some movements of the grass and tree tops in case of a windy day. At least, it seemed to me that way, after sitting in front of the screen and carefully searching for something for days. It was often the case that I examined the pictures for a few days back and do it all over and over again. The days passed, weeks, months and my sight became very sharp. Perhaps I felt the being. I played some kind of a game and not just one. I took just enough time to go for a swim, I left my body to be carried by the relaxing waves, lying half on the sand and letting the other half of my body feel the water. But it wasn't just lying around, I sometimes swam out on the open. Then, I began to drown, yelling for help and in fake agony drowned; I came up again and swimming on my back let the waves take me back to the shore. Many times I ask myself, if I in one of my games, didn't actually drowned myself, so realistic it seemed; I never felt hands that would save me, help me, nor those familiar words: He will live we saved him, never aroused that tragic question concerning life and death. What, if I really began to drown? I think of this many times. What about, if I am already drowned, what now, did the time stop for me? Indeed, would they come, all of them, uncles, aunts, fathers, mothers, brothers, sisters, cousins, neighbours, friends, wives, children, dogs, cats, rats, horses... could they be the confirmation of my drowning? Why crowd like this? Can't a lonely one, like me allows himself the countless dimensions? Why the listed animals? I ought to itemise more of them, and by these means at least improve the planet. Maybe, I'm dreaming? No, I don't remember falling asleep.

There was another game, I liked very much. I felt even more delighted by it, then with the other one. It was a little game, full of self-delusion, good self-delusions, original and I found them nice and lovely. I left the tracks on the sand, whereas not ordinary tracks. By each step I carried all of my weight on just one foot, what left a heavy and wide print and made it even greater by moving my foot back and forth a little bit. Following some unconscious principle, the prints always commenced in the sea and ended in a grove nearby. I sometimes played around like this for a whole day or even for a few days together. When I ended with my printings, I didn't return through the woods- what would be considered the shortest way - but instead, by going backwards and exactly following the prints returned to the starting point. That's where I usually paused and admired my creation. I returned the following day, and, as by accident, found the tracks. I cringed, got scared, began to panic, shudder... nervously gazed around, fearing a sudden attack. Very upset I ran back to my shelter for weapons and, thereby encouraged returned to the spot of the incredible discovery ... I had also a way of reducing the panic, that seized me, overcome the faked fear and hence began to compare my own feet with those prints in the sand. The matching proved that the prints were left there by an enormous creature. I tried to imagine the monster with such feet. I followed them quite a few times hoping, that I might see it. Not seldom I became angry with myself for not taking anything with me to measure the size of the prints; I was so gloomy, that I thought about it only when the tracks ran next to the shore and the tide closed in, so that it was left only to my free speculation and estimation; later, when tracks remained for a while so that I could measure them, I found myself surprised... and, meanwhile, fearfully glancing around... Sometimes I stared at the surface of the sea, which seemed eternal. Not that real infinity, for that one I knew, since it was only mine, of nobody else; I could shorten it for few centimetres, yet it was still infinite. Mine. It was the game I could play for a few days. The days were long. Very long same with the nights. Seventy hours. At the beginning of my presence on the planet I followed the Earthly timing and rhythm, self-willing I got new rhythm, which I accepted as a fact; I began to guide myself after planetary exchange of the day and the night. For a few weeks I had some troubles but, they step-like vanished. I got accustomed, and I was happy about that, actually. And I don't see why not, when all the headaches, dizziness, sickness, fever and shaking was suddenly gone. Together with realising the adjustment I came up with another idea, which seemed to me very probable, my hundred earthly years were almost tripled without using some kind of devices... indeed, the nature is very generous. It let, allowed, enabled my body to adapt - or is it spontaneous natural legitimacy. I don't know. I won't get into it, because I am far too much interested by that mysterious being which has already lost its magic. Once, checking the shots of the previous day I noticed, right across the vessel a mound in greenish- blue colour, totally stark, not to high and on its slopes something seemed like a cavity or at least the entrance to a cave. Preposterous, I glanced at the screen quite a few times, almost rubbed my eyes, twitched myself, slapped my face and tried to make myself certain of not having a dream; Finally, after so many careful searchings i found something, that I've overseen. I was convinced not to have seen that before. I rechecked. I took all the tapes as far as two years back and began inspecting them. With fast rewind I could manage to review the tapes fast enough, especially since I knew, what I am looking for. Above everything it wasn't so hard to inspect, since every thing stayed on its place, nothing was moving. There was a crack, alight, but not as big as it is now. During the last two years it has grown so much, that it resembled to an entrance to a cave. "Damn" was the only word I could bring up and even this, sounded more as a motivation; even a small word can help somebody, if outspoken at the right moment. An odd feeling came across me, I might define it as fright and desperation, weakness and surprise, although there was a little fire of inspiration inside me, the fire was almost to weak for helping me. I tried to keep under control all the negative feelings that threatened me, to erupt and overthrow; I was sweating and beginning to shake. Several days passed, before I could manage to straighten my mind, to down the fire inside me and to be capable of making right decisions again. All the previous days I used to stand in front of the ship and watch the mound and my detection, which hasn't changed at all; I simply couldn't take for granted the fact that I found out something after so many years of searching, which hasn't been a part of my counterfeit, mine ... my work. My decision was clear enough; explore the unknown. It seemed to me that I hate the crack because, all this years I was convinced that I know the planet to its details. From the smallest bits of sand to the highest leaf of the tree. It remained for me to decide, when shall I begin to climb, however, I kept postponing the departure; the whole story came that far that , when I came out of my ship I didn't pay any attention to the crack on the slope, even showed it my back, in addition trying to avoid mine glancing across, not even by accident. This was also a game of self-deception whose creator wasn't me. I got mad at myself, because I didn't record everything that might agitate me from the beginning. I even registered the earthquakes by taking exact notes of a date and strength, even loudness by some, for which I might say it was almost usual with such feature, I could even claim that the quietness was a rarity.

I persisted on playing with myself long enough that it become obvious, more than that, I became ready for the event, the thing that has been issued long ago, when I faced it, glanced across it and stared in that - something. It was less then five hundred meters away, and I knew, this is the day, the day I wanted to push as far as possible in the future. There is the secret, I said to myself, than fetched my climbing gear and off I was. It seemed to me that all paths lead to some sort of infinities, except for the one that led to the valley. Elevation; very significant word, full of symbolic, it always makes me feel kind of small, feeble and trivial: you do nothing but ascending ever since you were born, you grow and at one moment you realise that, you are on the top, showing off a little bit atop of it, then begin descending, maybe even faster then climbing, not knowing of what you may expect, when you come down; maybe the pedestal of a new elevation or maybe, - a plain, an unfathomed plain. Ah, what the heck, I say to myself each time I begin to wonder about this infinity; yes, this is also the symbolic, indeed. I couldn't decide whether to take the Flyer or just walk over; if I hiked, I  couldn't have taken all the necessary equipment. Was it so essential, at once, to throw myself at exploring, I asked myself and strolled away. My pace was slow, so it seemed to me quite long, before I reached the foot of the mountain. I kept the crack direct in front of my eyes, I didn't move them even when I stum bled over. The crack seemed few meters higher. I imagined the entrance to the cave, leading to enormous underground chambers, inhabited by intelligent beings, that had to take shelter against something; maybe I was the reason, a human, maybe some bad experience, perhaps I am contaminated, to them deadly, surly someone has landed on this planet before... an adventurer, a suppressed person... but it was definitely a human, if they have to hide and take shelter in that cave; no, not because of me, because of a human. A moment later this thought was pushed away by another, much more frightful and even more believable, fully human way of thinking that in the cave, which is supposed to be a burrow lives an unknown monster, which might be dangerous to me; I purposely didn't think about it, that she might have had attacked me long ago, since I have been exposed so many times. After a thoughtful and long observation I finally neglected that possibility, having realised that the entrance is shaped oval-like all to precisely, to be natural. The escalation was made up of sleek, irregular square blocks. They were shaped out by small gorges, which I considered very suitable for my climb. I gave it a try and found myself extremely satisfied since they were shaped curve- like on the inside, what made them very easy to get hold on. I climbed over few blocks and found myself under the crack. There remained only three, maybe four blocks and I could find myself in front of the crack. This remains for some other day, I said t myself and descended; I used to have a rule sometimes, never to go back, never down, never anywhere, what would have given me the feeling of regression. This was the part of self- deception from the top of the hill, which has, through my years on this planet changed and transformed into some kind of aloofness, providing me with enormous sense of strength. There remained a few other expressions but they were worthless, I used them only not to forget the link to earthliness. With other words: I was beginning to use the acquired distinction. On my return I felt again the slight movement of the ground accompanied by rumbling, but this hasn't worried any more, since it happened often and never ended in something alarming; however, I still took notes of each shake. This time something else happened, I presumed that the quakes were made by some unknown beings as a result of their experiments... but, I rejected this explanation with the fact that it would be impossible for them to occur each day with same intervals; think, what if there is a lancing device deep underneath or at least some kind of service activity, mid- station with refreshments and snacks for passengers, full automatic, regular space intersection... or maybe the beings underneath travel in time, so that's where all the noise come from... maybe then... Nowadays, whenever I think about the thoughts I've had in those times, there is suddenly a shy smile on my face, a grin. The explicit facts stayed, however: rhythmic repetition, some routine...  first recorded shock was two months later followed by another, the third came then in fifteen days, again peace for two months and fifteen day after, again... At first I recorded only the days, later, when I began to take notes of the hours and minutes, I came to a conclusion that the fantastic rhythm occurs always at the same hour and minute with identical interval in days. The length of the occurrence was always the same - one hour and twenty-five minutes. The strength, rate and loudness was also always identical. I have noted some more, but they were to weak, so I ignored them completely. This time I looked at them, finding out that they were three of them and they all had rhythm, although, weak. For nearly two months I kept sitting in front of the ship and observed the slope, actually, it's opening that seemed to remain the same.

However, this hasn't bothered me not to further imagine the underground civilisation. I wondered about their level of progress, their culture in my thoughts I went even that far, to make up the ways of establishing the contact with them. Sometimes it seemed to me, that the opening reflected the sunshine. Some sort of reflection. Maybe glitter. Closed entrance. Surely artificial form. Confirmation good enough of existence of under grounders or just another proof of their endurance as well as the affirmation of my conclusions. Quite some time has passed, before I decided to climb up again. I reached the top, rolled over the edge and there I was, standing on a platform, almost three yards wide. I stared at some kind of dark brownness, about which I couldn't make out, whether is it content. I made three steps and ran into something solid; the brown thing showed its first character to which additional were attached: glass-like, mucky, sticky and odourless. In the brown thing I, in surprise, recognised my figure. I kept staring, not being able to realise that I see myself. It's been quite a long time since I've last seen myself and I almost forgot how I look like. It's been some time now that whenever I happened to see my figure in the mirror, I considered it as someone I knew quite well, I don't know if I was fond of him and tried to remember, who could that be; how many truths can claim a mirror! I tried not to examine the picture in the mirror, however, I couldn't. I stared at myself as I would be under some sort of spell... so originated by itself another game: I moved my head to the right, then suddenly to the left, I examined the image of the known stranger, who did the same, well, not same... I forced myself to believe, that there is a difference! Then I started to move limbs, body, or suddenly halted moving just my fingers, hoping, that the other one won't be capable following me and I would, therefore, detect him; just, where could he run away, whenever he wasn't fooling around with me, how does he spend his time, why did he accept this game, why is he playing it - just for the sake of haughtiness, pompousness... ho, ho, ho joker and savage... Although I was certain of my senseless action, I enjoyed forcing him to move. Now I don't remember, for how long I had fun that day, letting the time pass by but, it was the game that diverted my further exploration, I even anticipated that I won't get bored because I was somehow scared of searching beyond the brownish curtain. With the time this game gave me lot of pleasure, which I practised every day. I devoted myself to enjoyment and self-contentedness of playing. On the Earth such doing would certainly mean some kind of abnormality and they would try, I can't imagine, everything to make me sane again. Once, when I was getting ready to climb, I noticed that the hole widened out a little. I cringed. During the days of my playing around I didn't take notice of it, deliberately, just to see the possible changes in its dimensions. I decided, that day to be the last day of my game. I hiked over there. While on my way, I noticed that my movements are slower, awkward and getting like this more and more, as I began to climb. I calmed myself with a thought that this is just the discontent with the termination of my best so far game. On the platform in front of brownness I paused and examine the splitting image that seemed more strange then the first time. I swung my hand and began to reach for that hurdle in the brown. I noticed that the hurdle might just as well be the work of some highly advanced civilisation. It was greasy and mucky and sticky. Disgustful. It crossed momentarily my mind, that this was well oiled entrance shield. I tried to find its connecting points and by doing this found out that it has a round shape, oval-like and thereby disappears in the rocky mass. I tried to rub off some muck, hence, hoping to clear that way the glass what would made it possible for me to see the inside; The muck, well, I could examined it in my lab, later. The muck was very firm, I couldn't get it off except for a few drops that fell into my palm and later sledded down on the ground, next to the shield and the rock, in between, there was a small gorge. I looked up and I saw, that it was nicely shaped on the top, too. In fact, the whole shield was curved, quite a bit, I might say. My image was so diabolic, maybe just because of this and that's why it seemed so strange, its appearance was odd and unrecognisable. I just couldn't explain myself, why is it convexed like that, since it would be much easier to open the door in case they were flat, except, if the shape was deliberately made that way for safety against intruders, but again this wasn't likely to be so, since I have been on the planet for so many years now, without having noticed anything, what might have had threatened me, but myself. But still, perhaps there existed beings, that I couldn't perceive, neither, could they perceive me.

I tried to move the shield with all my strength, I slipped, finding myself on the ground. Getting up, I decided to do some thing about it, whatever it takes, to get inside even by means of hurting myself. It was in that moment that a most incredible idea crossed my mind, the one that seemed the best and most probable, which at the same time brushed away all my previous guesses and theories. Maybe is this a collector of solar energy that fills the batteries for so much needed energy for the people living underground, or maybe, just for one being. I couldn't claim to be a type of a hermit-like person, because on the Earth I always tended to be surrounded by lot of people and sometimes I even felt content to be in the middle of attention; this was most often the case when I returned from some journey and started  to describe all sorts of events, which were sometimes over imagined and, although, the audience knew that, they kept on listening... Well, sometimes I became melancholic too, I dropped in some sort of apathy, but I overcame that soon enough, so nobody could take notice of what kind of a state I'm in ... When first stranger came on the planet, I felt no anger, but already when I spotted the unknown ship on the sky, I couldn't help thinking of him as an intruder, who might have had discovered the elevation and its crack, before I did. I expected that he would circle the planet a few times and then sail away, without landing. I was scared of being seen by him, since he wasn't from the Earth, what I con cluded out of the fact that I was settled too far out of any known points of our universe. Noticing the ship landing I got filled with wrath and I firmly decided to sweep him away or... simply kill him. I evaluated the distance to his landing spot to be a three maybe four days hike; I didn't dare to fly for the intruder could have seen me and then take me by surprise. Fur thermore I didn't really know who is my opponent, nor, the reason and the purpose of the landing. I started off that very day. I took only the weapons and a food bag with me. While walking, I looked up to the sky, hoping to see the strangers' vessel taking off and vanishing in the clouds. Unfortunately, it didn't happen the first day, or the second and third, neither. On the fourth day I saw it in a valley, resembling the turtle casing. I looked for an adequate hide out and concealed myself. I observed and waited to see, who the intruder is, how he looks like. I spent the whole day in my hiding place, but I couldn't notice any signs of movement. Nor the second day, and later neither. The fourth day the ship flew away. It seemed to me that my great worry had left with him. It appeared to me on my way back that the stranger might have perceived me, well, if not myself then at least my ship which was on the open, I might even say on a very visible place. It seemed undoubtful, that whoever that was, if he me, he will return for sure; chickenhead, he'll bring whole party of his dummies with him, to capture me and to interrogate me in some weird tunes, I thought. Indeed, he surely noticed me, judged me as severe he, in fact, believed, that he couldn't confiscate me on his own, so he went to get help. I specified him as: dull, feeble-minded, deficient, dim-witted, retarded, stupid, blunt, dumb and further, cowardly, fearful, spineless, timid, yellow, chicken, gutless, paranoid, cheat, treacherous, dishonest, sneaky, untrustworthy, traitorous... I discharged the pressure and felt much better after doing so. The return seemed much shorter, although, I needed the same amount of time, maybe even few hours more. Afterwards, for several years nobody turned up, or I might have not seen them, since I dedicated fully exploring the crack. I kept bumping into it with my full weight, trying to move the protective shield at least a millimetre. I bounced back each time falling to the ground and rubbing of the muck with my nose. I accepted it as a some sort of a game, which enjoyed me, although I got bruises all over my body. I wouldn't say the game lasted for more then a year. I don't believe so. When I had my limbs all in blue, I stopped; indeed, it was then when I stopped, I remembered that, not the time and the duration... Some previous days I have given it a thought to try and break it mechani cally. I found a laser gear in my ship, but it wasn't functioning. Therefore, I found a metal rod with sharp ends, I didn't investigate its appliance, maybe it was a part of a steering device, and I climbed to my hurdle. I placed it where the archesmet and formed some sort of half-circled joint, which was a little more deep right at that spot and so mostly convenient for my equipment. I pushed the rod as hard as I could. There was no result, but I persisted for many days; I believed, that someday the rod will make a turn in the opening. So deeply wanted and expected day didn't come up. I thought of yet another way; to force the rod in the carve by hammering it. I found an appropriate batter, a hitter and tried that way too. I kept hitting on the upper edge and observing the carve. I couldn't exactly name this action as strong hitting, since I streaked only two or three times a day;  only that many times I managed to lift my arm and strike, but it was a slow, strong hit that shook my whole body. But the account of those hits was, as I mentioned before, very low. It wasn't due to lethargy or similar. Unquestioning truth is as follows; I wasn't able to do more. That's all. Not even once more! This was the part of dissimilarity of which I was getting more certain and acknowledged. I repeat once again that I'm not a coward and at realising what I've stated before I didn't get scared. No, I am a man and a human body is adjustable, ready to ratify and accept any kind of changes. The same goes for the spirit, for whom I might claim that it is much more adjustable then the body, to which I, like it or not, don't pay much respect. There is some truth hidden in this statement. Overwhelming. But it is to close and most complicated, for me to out-truth it. Maybe I shall find that out in years to come. Maybe all of my view points will be changed completely and, I would, thereby, as by accident remove the objection and come to the basic invention.

But, for now only: I state my own truth, just like infinity, I shall let nobody to interfere I shall tell nobody - ho, ho, ho... For it is mine. The same goes with dissimilarity; I accept it, because I want so; I could fly away and, therefore, deny it. Not so wrong. I need it for the sake of the being. has no dissimilarity. It is like this probably from the beginning. So I came to one of rare doubts: could it ever be different, and if existing somewhere else, what would it be like, what kind of dissimilarity would it have? Each time, when I raised my arm, to strike with the metal rod, I wanted, to get from some where the enormous strength, that would have moved the shield. I didn't care if it went splitting in thousandths pieces, just to finally proceed further, deeper in the inside, even risking to met something monstrous. Although it proved successful, I couldn't enjoy that for very long, because of the increasing teetering of the ground. I didn't quite like the idea of upper arc collapsing down on me, taking me with him down the slope; there was no place for me to rescue, well, for the first, I was too slow, and for the second, there was no place where I could take shelter, so didn't have much chance to survive, I just couldn't come out of it without serious injuries. The new rhythm, as I noticed, was very different of the ones I had registered- almost doubled. Instead of two months and fifteen days, the new one was one month and seven days. The roaring sound and shaking was now only half hour long, compared to previous full hour. The quake caught me on the top few times. With all of my available speed I laid on the ground and waited for the worse; I wasn't afraid of death, I feared more the injuries, wounds that could make me disabled and crippled, indeed, I feared to die slowly, agony... Lying like that I could even better hear the sounds coming from the interior, I could certify, directly underneath me. New rhythm brought new trouble, that got me out of my good controlled insensibility. I didn't even have enough time to climb up between the two intervals, hit the rod and descent again. Doing so, I sometimes left out several rhythms, before I decided to climb up again. I no ticed that this increase in rhythms left some consequences on the slope. On its foot, actually. The elevation was long and I could make out a crack on one end, although, hardly visible, but enough for me to start thinking about leaving, hence, I was sure that this will result in chain of volcanic activities, that could change the surface of the planet. Such thinking, of course, was based on rhythm: if the previous rhythm was divided by half and side effects became stronger, that meant, someday, before my arrival they have been even longer and shortening its intervals means nothing else but advanced eruption. My theory seemed to me very likely and undoubtful but, since lacking someone to talk to, I considered the best thing to do is to wait for another cut in the time gap. If, this time, none of my theories proved correct, I decided to leave the planet. I counted on doubling of the rhythms what would bring to the open any reasonable being, even a monster, if no other, by instinct. Of course I didn't neglect the possibility of being covered by eruption, but I remained there anyway realising that I wouldn't feel anything anyway, since I wasn't able to run for a shelter, due to my slowness. But, my clumsiness wasn't only visible. Also my internal organs were kind of slow. My heart beat on the Earth was satisfactory, close to sixty pro minute, blood pressure normal as any interplanetary traveller would like to have, reflexes were above average excellent, everything was just - whow. Everything changed on the planet. For example the heart had only ten beats in a minute, what means six hundred in an hour or forty-two thousands sucking a day. Adequate to this was the blood pressure. As probable effect was resulted in clumsiness and slowness. I couldn't check the function of other organs, actually I didn't want to thinking of it as waste of time and energy, my own as well as the one from the batteries, but it was definitely the truth, that they have changed and adjusted  to other functioning. My rest didn't distinguish between vertical nor horizontal position. I didn't care any longer.

Sometimes even happened to me to have difficulties to distinguish weariness from the need to rest. And, when I thought about it I just smiled somewhere inside me. This is supposed to be a nice inner wiggle, merry jiggle. If I would have decided to rest or something like that, I couldn't know whether to stand, go on my knees, sit or lay down or lean on something; It was real fun, thinking about this. The nights were the hardest, at the beginning. It was dark all around me and I didn't know shall I close my eyes or shall I look around; indeed, I needed no sleep, momentarily I found it superfluous but, when it got dark I knelt and thought a lot... Later, I used to close my eyes just for exercise. Often it happened that I opened them when the sun was already high in the sky. In between, I have been wondering. All sorts of things. But never about the Earth. My thoughts changed from totally indefinite to terrifying bad and heavy. Maybe that was some kind of half dream, which I might brake of, if only I opened my eyes; Even if process of opening could last for an hour or two, from tiny opening to normal opening of the eyes. My eyelids would remain fresh, I could feel no pain and my eyes wouldn't catch that awful red colour. Maybe just because of the slow process of opening. I didn't use my ships anymore, because I needed nothing out of them. I also wasn't too sure that I could start it, activate them and take off. It wouldn't be until the possible escape, when I could find out what state they are in, and maybe that will be to late. I also needed no food, at least not as much as I used to. Only a small amount of food could last me for a long period; I feel, I might even say that just thinking of it was sufficient for few days. I kept asking myself, how would they look, the living beings, that might have lived here. Would they also modify themselves... Or, was it essential to live underground in order to live normally? Of course this thought has been connected with mine elevation, with its unusual opening and growing fracture at its foot. Smoke started to come out of the fracture one day. It was hard to notice, from the beginning, but later it resembled to a foggy pillar getting denser more and more. Breeze used to bring its disgusting odour. Of course I got sick but always several months later. I couldn't explain the sickness to myself until much later, when I found a connection to the mist. The mist was discharged at larger amounts each day until it was finally very hard for me to see the fracture or its leak. At the same time as the mist kept growing I could hear a strange voice, if I listened very carefully, and it was obvious that it was coming from the same source as the mist. I gave up my climbing attempts and devoted myself only to observation. I had this feeling that nothing can happen to me and no injury can affect me. I had a notion that any moment will occur, what I have been waiting for, hoping that monster will come running out of the cave, maybe underground occupants, even. With years the condition of the slope was getting more critical. It seemed it was collapsing since it was getting lower. I was con vinced that on the other side it must be pretty much damaged, with some stone blocks felled off, since on my side something, what I might call cave-in. There were actually two of them. One was just under the upper crack and the other on the far end of the elevation. I actually didn't quite see the cave-ins, but they were so obvious that I haven't  doubted at all. Two bigger piles have detached from the whole mass and so concealed my view of the cave-ins. It was logical and all to obvious that the elevation shall collapse, it will deflate. The crack became almost round and the muck more moistly and thereby more notice able and apparent. I could expect any day now that this moistly and mucky shield will open and something coming out. Although, I had a good intuition I often thought of suicide. First time when this thought came was the moment when I realised mine dissimilar ity and confessing that fact; perhaps it was then when I felt the  existence of the being reliably. The thought itself wasn't all to terrifying, I might even say it was relieving. The day of my decision, I walked with the usual slowness to my vessel, thinking along the way about the manner of my self devastation. I found some way each day, but throw it away as unsuitable; if a man realises that he's got plenty of time, its easy for him to make theories, he completes the old ones and reerects the new ones, even easier is to get rid of them - without bad feelings. I wanted something above-earthly, something, satisfactory for this planet, something casual. I can't remember if I enjoyed those thoughts. I know that symbolic played a major role in making my mind up. I have chosen the rope, namely, the tree and hanging. Opposing all expectations and willing, absolute terrestrial dead. I was looking for something special, and at last, I found perhaps, the oldest method of all. Although, In such action there was some symbolic: my bones would swing in the wind on some branch of some tree of some tidy wood... by hanging there I would destroy the damn shipshape and accuracy, symmetries that ruled over this universal body, of God an Satan forgotten: planet which had all the chances of life, however, nonabundant precisely of living. I started my search for the rope inside the ship; It seems to me, it took me several days; I might even swear, more then a month. I abandoned the idea and  went out after I have search through, maybe half of the chambers.

Doing so I stepped on something that made a metallic squeak. I looked down and moved my foot. There was a knife laying on the floor! I stared at it in surprise. But I didn't wonder much. I was concerned with the question, why I stopped looking for the rope, since I was already firmly determined to take my life with it.... I couldn't' find an appropriate explanation. I spent several day to bending down and lifting the knife up. The next few days I was just watching it. My mind was empty, fuzzy undetermined. Meanwhile it began to rain; the rain never worried me much this planet and in condition in which I was momentarily, even less; it rains twice a year for thirty days together, the rainfall is fair with slight wind, which I find warm and content. Never have I noticed some kind of flood or even swampy ground. I have chosen such day for my suicide. I grabbed the knife with my right hand, turned the palm of my left hand facing the rain so that the rain drops began filling it and afterwards pouring through the fingers. I placed the blade on the hardly visible veins of my wrist Doing so, I completely forgot about the time and the strength needed to make a cut with the blade. I anticipated the pain, but there wasn't any. I don't know, I really don't know, this isn't a fake, how much time did I spent to make two more, although weaker, cuts - anyhow, the cuts were made. On the spot where there should be a wound, there was nothing but reddened skin; just reddened, nothing more I didn't observed what happened later, since I wasn't looking at it any more. The following days I completely lost the sense of the time which completely replaced the expectation of the pain, which wasn't occurring at all; some weeks later, meanwhile the rain stopped, I felt only stitching at the spot on my wrist, which I thought wasn't likely to be connected with my cut, since it was similar to itching... After that failure I didn't make another try, although, I thought of it a few more times. The look at the collapsing elevation brought about all incredible thoughts. I some how feared the disappointment of realising the fact, that I made a mistake and that I am still the only living being on the planet. More and more frightful sounds accompanied with fog were coming out of the lower fracture. They increased in dreadfulness and I couldn't compare them to any of the sounds known to me or hearing them before. This encouraged me to put away the idea of intelligent beings; for they surely wouldn't release such sounds and they would be also kind of different, neglecting the possibility that they were enormous and live with their families in they own elevations like the one I have been observing. But, the mucky opening seemed to small for an oversized being. I also estimated the possibility for them to crawl through the opening. Somehow I managed to convince myself that only some sort of monster is living inside, not intelligent beings. In spite all of this I still wasn't able to explain to myself the meaning of the mucky stuff on the entrance, although, I expected this to be solved, when, who or whatever that is, will show out. Indeed, it was because of those sounds, that I became convinced of some sort of life. Connecting the being with the mucky stuff I came up with a theory of how I like them, that actually someone from some other planet closed inside some kind of for him unknown, danger ous being, then with that stuff closed the entrance, leaving the being to die slowly; surely he must have been acquainted with the process of slowing down. It was, in fact, a horrible thought, not so easy to eliminate, as someone might have thought; say who. It was weak only in that part, why the imprisoned being didn't howl before the banging began and thereby demonstrate its existence. Might have been, that it liked the inside and only the thundering was the reason- its fear of natural disaster, awakened by the instinct of an animal,- was the clue to its anxiousness? There is of course an obvious question raising up at this point, why concretely this planet which, while I was here, was visited only by two visitors. In fact, one vessel, with nobody coming out and the other with extremely thin an tall being that came out of it in a very dark, undefinable colour and ten and of which I couldn't tell, whether it is dressed up or not. It circled the planet for a few days, before it landed. My ability of observing at that time was so limited, that I am not to sure about circling. I could notice it only when it passed trough my area of sight. My eyes were still able to move, however not as much as they used to on the Earth. I was convinced, at the beginning, that this ship is also without any crew, so nobody will come out after its landing. I don't know why, but I hoped that to happen in my vicinity. My unspoken wish came true with the ship landing within two hundred steps away from me. It was to my great happiness, I don't know why I was looking forward to it, that only after few minutes - how worthless seems the unit of the time!- that something came forth. Came out of the ship, which I could describe best, by saying it looked like a wart; I know, why I couldn't find more acceptable match,- for also there it is where my thoughts sail sometimes.- It stood there straight in all its height and thinness, gazing around.

It seemed to me that its gaze crossed also over me. Just passed by, without stopping! After a while it turned around and disappeared in the interior of the wart. When it came out again, it had some sort of gears and devices in its hands collecting samples from the ground with their help taking notes, judging by the noise that might have been its voice or tongue. It didn't go away from the wart more then ten steps. It was very careful, frightened. It moved around like this for a few days, maybe it had prescribed distance within the surrounding of the ship. I was pretty sure that it would soon get satisfied with the research and fly away. I somehow felt offended by ignorance  which it showed in relation to me and my vessel, nearby. Am I really so insignificant or is my ship too small and too primitive for him to recognise it, as a piece of work made by intelligent hands. Surely, the being was near-sighted! After a few days there was a change, with alacrity it moved straight, towards me. It watched the ground and strolled closer. While on its way it bent a few times putting something in strange pot which seemed to me of some unusual and not useful shape hanging around his neck on a thick gird that colourfully blinked. It came close enough for me to take a better look at it. Despite being so close I couldn't detect anything what would have seemed unusual except that it was very thin and unusually tall. I still couldn't make out, whether it is dressed or not; there was least way of determining the sex. It halted just in front of me, picked up something from my feet and then walked around my back. Ugh, how I began to hate him. I was ready to kill him, if I could. I wonder if that feeling would appear also if I was well enough, so that I could punch him. I hated it still when it came around again, standing in front of me, tall as it was. It paused for a moment then made its way towards my slope! I decided to go after him! I forced myself in order to move my weight, my body, to at least, feel the movement, walk... I felt the old compulsion, but the movements were doing their adapted speed - almost veiled. The thin fellow halted, meanwhile, and kept starring at the crack. Despite my great wish not to climb up, it did just that, as if he knew my thoughts; hastily and skillful; I was not capable of climbing that way not even in mine best days. It paused at the entrance, touched it then turned around observing the locality. Just, how I hated it! Suddenly it began to descend, there was no chance of me, rolling down with his speed. It might have felt the shaking and thundering underneath. After it came down it looked up the slope again, as if evaluating the crack, stood there a little while and finally left in a hurry. I'm not sure if the fellow didn't have entirely different sensibility and senses to act so strange. I found myself in enormous overflow of hostile feelings that made me want for some beast, to jump out of the cave, attack him and terminate him. Hopeless wishes. That fellow spent another few days on the planet, used mostly for useless hiking around the ship; at least that's what I thought. When he flew away I almost applauded and waved to him, if only I could.  feel sorry a little now, because it didn't explore the slope with its gears and instruments, for them, I don't deny to be very competent and efficient; that could save me quite something. The elevation was all mine again. Everything normalised and settled down. With the time the screams from the lower opening became unbearable laud, the mist was getting less dense and after a few weeks it disappeared completely.Again I could see the opening that has in meanwhile obtained greater dimensions. Now it was possible to see the interior. I noticed, that inside was made out of stones with bright colours hanging down point-like from the ceiling and also sharply pointed up from the bottom. Compared to the outside rock, this stones were totally different and I could explain that with the fact that rock on the outside was exposed to all sorts of weather changes. Furthermore, I noticed the part of the elevation, nearer to me began to raise, as well as the upper rounding too. I was surely surprised, noticing that. Was it possible, that my hint betrayed me, and that a crater is forming on the top which will later burst out the lava, in best case maybe only hot water? Monstrous sounds coming from the interior encouraged me, giving me hope. I swept away with black thoughts and recommenced my observation of the elevation in front of me. It began to get out of shape with each day, especially the back part of it; its been some time now since I've divided it in three parts: front, where the great opening appeared, later lower, coinciding with the mass and the cave-in, middle part had no particularities, the part in the back, where there was a cave-in mass on one side, behind it the elevation flattened, and became straight. Both masses on each side, were separating and raising a bit, and at their front parts came out some sort of dark, sharp stone, that shined and they almost convinced me that they are liquid, if the growth hadn't stopped. The elevation slowly demonstrated itself, this made me happy since I expected to finally see the constitution, what seemed a good sign that gave me hope to believe that the being will be forced to come out at last. Meanwhile I got used to both annoying participants. With the cry and the stinky mist.

The upper mist didn't expand anymore, it seemed to me, it became even more moistly and muck because, the small amount of it sledded slowly down from the arch. It resembled to a huge tear drop. A tear drop of some enormous animal. I began to imagine in my fantasy, that the huge animal is crying because something got stuck in her eye and that hurts but the animal is unable to remove it herself. I compared the elevation for a few days, still imagining and knowing that I have been defeated again, that I won't cheat anymore, although that was the reason I was happy of falling in the world of my self- deceptions again after long time. But this time there was a difference. Imagination changed into reality; self-deception was a only fake, even less. Surprised I gazed at the elevation which wasn't elevation anymore since it became a figure of an animal. I felt disgusted, I was ashamed of myself. I have disgraced myself! There it was, the being, that huge being in front of me all the time, lying still in its huge indifference, I climbed on it... her... Indeed, the more I stared, the more I was recognising the being. Is it possible, that I made everything up? This also? Could it be, that I can't return from self- deception into reality? No! It was just lying there and when it noticed me, it just opened its eye, to see the intruder, who came to disturb her peace of hundred years. The crack was, with the years, getting bigger, the eye opened, but I thought that it was the entrance to the underworld. The thundering which I have recorded so carefully, was actually the heart beat; rhythmical, slow, strong, hostile... at least that's what they seemed to me. The lower fracture was the mouth that opened by the pain and the mist was the breath and the cry was the cry caused by my stabbing. The two masse of which I thought were the cave-ins, those were feet, that prepared to lift the enormous body, to punish the intruder who dared to stab the body, the living substance. If I had the chance, enough time, so to say, I would have gone to the other side, where I could surely see the same image. Real funny, ho, ho, ho... sad, indeed. Yes, the being was getting ready to punish the intruder. I was forced to run. I only hoped that its slowness is greater then mine. The days and the nights seemed to pass very fast from that day on. The years passed as if they were the days. I turned and made some ten steps. The being or the monster, meanwhile, fully on its four feet, opened its eyes and releasing some stinky breath out of its mouth, the cries calmed down, the thundering ceased. Its huge body didn't touch the ground anymore and the beating of the heart caused no quakes any longer. Its movements were very strange: It moved forward its front right leg first, then front left, paused a little, to move one after another the legs in the back. It was surprising, that it didn't loose its balance, being so heavy. Of course, in meanwhile I ran, although, with much greater speed. I have to admit, that at least in the first year, I couldn't manage to increase the distance between us. I wondered, if I would get tired on my way; indeed, that's all I thought about, maybe a year, maybe more. I was wondering about our speeds, of it being so heavy, but it could cover greater distance, although, slower, and me, being so small, covering smaller distances, but with greater speed: the distance is increasing linearly to movement and velocity, independent to the mass, since in case of same slowness that would result in bigger catching up with smaller and consume him; co-conditional is, hereby, the time, but not the time conditioned to the planet, but the time of my being, living on it and luck, that I didn't became affected by it in amoment, but rather step by step, what is undoubtfully the advantage in moving which can be tricky zigzagging, why the being registers it with delay and therefore late, the parallells, I suppose so is for now independent of the mind and the body, it can be only the reaction, which thought... They were, henceforth, ironical thoughts, since I haven't had such experience in mine adjustable period, whose end I couldn't exact. Though, I could get some more distance between us, while the being shook its head, what could last for several months; I admit; I lost the sense about the time. Then it used to howl in the sky and to the ground. I wondered what might have happen if I didn't start to run. Would it ingest me? Terrible; bringing its snout close to me, grabbed me with its jaw- in those following years I could study well its teeth and the throat, I could probe the slow pressure of the jaws, followed by the pain... Perhaps I could bypass its teeth, but, under no condition, I couldn't escape out of the mouth, it would have swallowed me, sooner or later. Indeed, I could die very slowly, if not gone mad by the consequences of the agony - of fear and horror. Maybe, it wouldn't even notice me, since me being so small, insignificant, compared to it... I managed to climb an elevation in the next decade. Only, after I have reached the top, it occurred to me, I might be standing on some being, thereby, annoying him; it is left to my imagination that the pursuer would bounced into it and wake up the mass under my feet, forcing it to oppose the intruder, for it would be the being following me the intruder, and make them fight, perhaps, a century long struggle of two giants... but, let's imagine, it was a woman, or the opposite, their encounter might have changed into a sexual intercourse, he would erect slowly... huh... centuries... in case, of two women a struggle again, in fact, I don't know which sex has my chaser. I remember, recording a few more impressions, for which I couldn't find any importance. In following few months I listened in fear to hear some thunder or shaking underneath; it was a fact, just, comparable fact, that it has passed quite some time, since I disturbed the first being. Meanwhile he came close to my elevation and stared at me; By climbing up, I didn't increase the distance. As if confused, he stood there, shaking his head and lifting the gullet against the sky. When I noticed the move of stepping forward, I turned around and descended on the other side of the slope. There was no dif ference between climbing and descending, I felt no weariness noreffort.

I heard the crying for another few years. When I reached the valley, it stopped. I turned around to see if he follows me any way. I couldn't determine anything. Then I walked in timeless feeling, just walked, and walked... moved round... having instinct, wish to move, movement. Someday I finally halted, paused and realised... but I didn't look back. I just stood there and imagined all sort of things... standing tall...

This is the position in which I find myself presently, now. With the difference of having my eyes closed. I am not afraid. I am convinced, I can detect him by listening, since he hasn't changed, at least it seems that way, of course I can't have it checked out. There is no voice, the wind and the rain, o yes, I feel them normally. I wonder. I wonder all sorts of things. Mostly of what will remain to think about, after I have thought out everything, when I realise, there is nothing left to think about, I thought it all, when and where shall I achieve that statement. Although, it seems yet so much of it left. Unlimited, infinitive. Sometimes I think about being caught in the time, maybe my mind is caught in time, if the time is not caught in my mind. What happened to the being? What's my sweet monster up to? I can understand him, quite well, indeed, it wouldn't be nice if somebody just came around, stabbing me in my eye. I would have started opening my eyes to see the one, who disturbs me in mine... is this perhaps one of the possible eternities? I find it nice this way. Maybe, I would find it even better, lying down? Or sitting? I don't know. This is quite all right. I'm alone. It is relaxing. I wish it would show up. On the top of the elevation... It wouldn't attack me. I hope. An what about me? Is it still me? Do I look alike? Am I older? Greyish? What's still human about me? A lot, I would say. To think about. I'll move my hand. No, I won't. I need too much time. A second? More. A minute? More. An hour? More. A day, a week, a month, a year, a decade, a century? More, more, more, more. Eternity? Perhaps. Yes, that's the way it is. I am on some planet. Somebody on some planet. No! Something on some planet. Who is the monster? Shall I be monster to somebody? Interesting. I am getting pictures from somewhere. Where from? From all over. From the Earth, too. I revive them. They satisfy me. Am I picture to somebody? Maybe to the being. Is it the freedom - infinity? Interminable. Anonymous. Analogous slowness of being or living. Shall I be being in name less in-termination, analogous slowness? I shall come to know.

            It's enough of thoughts.
            Time.
            I shall think.
            Inner voice.
            I'll find out any moment, now.
            And the time and the thought. As well as the mind and the time.
            And the body and the thought. And the thought and the body.
            And the time and the body. And the body and the time.
            Me and the time.
            Me and the thought.
            Me and the body.
            Me.
            It might be only nothing.
            It might be everything.
            It might be only me.
            Just me.
            Without anything.
            Nothing me.
            Me nothing.
            Me ...